Sunday, March 8, 2009

Before I begin

Before I begin let me tell you that I am completely grateful for what I have. I thank the stars daily for my kids and never ever do I wish that they were not around. I'm grateful enough that I would sacrifice everything to keep them and be content in never wishing for anything more.

When I was trying to get pregnant all of my friends were either knocked up or had kids. This was painful. It is hard for me to be denied something that I want. I'm use to getting what I want by being resourceful and determined. Infertility is completely out of your control. I hated that part of it.

I have thought about writing this for a long time. I feel selfish putting these words in print. But it still seems to be something that is begging to be written about.

My twins are almost three. Holy. Have the years flown by. All of my friends who have children around their age are having second or third kids by now. Once again I feel that every time I turn around I see another pregnant woman. I see a brand new baby. I see toddlers wearing, "I'm a big sister/brother" shirts.

To say that infertility doesn't bother me anymore is a lie. Yes, I have two of the very best children a mother could ask for. My family is complete. but my heart hurts. There is a hole that will never be filled and satisfied because it is not in my control to add to my family with pregnancy. Some days it pains me more than others. Some days I wish for a baby all day long.
I wonder if it is because the twins are growing up and I will never have that new babe in my arms again. I got one pregnancy and it sure was hell. I got a first year full of hardship and doctor appointments; leading up to Madeleine's amputation.
I feel robbed. If I could get pregnant would I have another baby? I'm not sure. God, I sound like a spoiled brat. Why can't I be thankful for what I already have? Because it is not in my control.
My friends, I am happy for you and your pregnancies and your new babies. In fact, nothing makes me happier than to see a new life added to a loving family. But I will always feel my own pain and loss.


Jenna said...

god how I wish there was a way to take this pain away. I am so sorry niki, my heart hurts for you. I love you and I cant begin to ever imagine, but I can always listen.

Katie said...

Amen, sista. I might copy your words and post them to my blog.

AnnaK said...

I have similar feelings. Sometimes I want to get pregnant just to have the chance at a "normal" pregnancy with a "normal" delivery and a healthy, full-term "normal" baby. I love my kids more than anything but there is a nagging, lingering feeling of being robbed somehow. I know.