Daddy

I'm quite aware that I blog about the kids and my experiences with fibular hemimelia and infertility way more than I blog about my husband or the father of my kids.

Why? I have no idea. We are a close family and Michael is as active of a parent as any dad, probably more so. He does all the 'right' things. Plays with them. Puts them to bed. Cooks for them.

In fact, our schedule is such that he is the 'stay at home dad' from 5 pm until 7 pm or so and all day on Sundays while I work.

He means the world to the Ms and to me.

There are very valuable lessons that he is teaching the kids. I will never under estimate the power of Daddy.

Yesterday Madeleine said, "Mommy, I love Daddy. He is a good guy."

Yoga

You know it is a new generation when your two year olds are doing Yoga! I remember doing Suzanne Somers with my mom and maybe a jazzercise class or two. We won't even mention that my grandma had one of the butt shakers and we thought is was hilarious as kids!

Max and Madeleine do yoga at school and have joined me in the family room for a pose or two. Here is Maxy doing the tree pose, his favorite. Sorry none of Madeleine right now but they will come soon.

Snow Angels

Max and Madeleine are a little obsessed with snow angels. They are always asking to try and I have discouraged it until this day in that their pants will get very wet and snowy, and we don't have snow pants (until this year I wouldn't have thought we needed them in Seattle).

On this particular day we were coming in from being out so I gave the okay. Very beautiful snow angels, I must say.

Haircut for Max

My son has always had sparse hair. Michael is the same. It isn't as if Michael is balding, on the contrary he has a complete and full head of hair but the hair he has is very fine. Maxy is similar. While Madeleine was born with a complete head of hair Max merely had a sprout of fuzz.

He never really grew hair fully for a long time. I'm also one that is partial to the 'long hair on boys' look so I was in no hurry to cut his locks. Recently, though, it had gotten too long and scraggly so we took him to the hair dressers or paid the big bucks for him to sit in a car chair and have someone give him a trim. Here is the result...

I'm shamelessly ripping these photos from my friend Martha, who is clearly a better photographer than I am.

I'm also super lame at uploading pictures of my kids from my camera.

What can I say... I have the cutest kids and not nearly enough time in my day to share them with the world via my blog.

They continue to amaze me with their brilliant wit and charming sense of humor.

One of the biggest new milestones is that they have begun to pretend.

No, I mean really pretend.

In the grocery store they pretended that the shopping cart was a fire truck. Every once in a while they would grab a random item from the shelf, olives, cereal, soup, and pretend was a tool to fix the broken fire truck.

More to come soon. I promise. It's just that it is almost ten o'clock and I have to put my daughter to bed.

Oh, yeah, the sleep thing? It is still an issue.

Before I begin

Before I begin let me tell you that I am completely grateful for what I have. I thank the stars daily for my kids and never ever do I wish that they were not around. I'm grateful enough that I would sacrifice everything to keep them and be content in never wishing for anything more.

When I was trying to get pregnant all of my friends were either knocked up or had kids. This was painful. It is hard for me to be denied something that I want. I'm use to getting what I want by being resourceful and determined. Infertility is completely out of your control. I hated that part of it.

I have thought about writing this for a long time. I feel selfish putting these words in print. But it still seems to be something that is begging to be written about.

My twins are almost three. Holy. Have the years flown by. All of my friends who have children around their age are having second or third kids by now. Once again I feel that every time I turn around I see another pregnant woman. I see a brand new baby. I see toddlers wearing, "I'm a big sister/brother" shirts.

To say that infertility doesn't bother me anymore is a lie. Yes, I have two of the very best children a mother could ask for. My family is complete. but my heart hurts. There is a hole that will never be filled and satisfied because it is not in my control to add to my family with pregnancy. Some days it pains me more than others. Some days I wish for a baby all day long.

I wonder if it is because the twins are growing up and I will never have that new babe in my arms again. I got one pregnancy and it sure was hell. I got a first year full of hardship and doctor appointments; leading up to Madeleine's amputation.

I feel robbed. If I could get pregnant would I have another baby? I'm not sure. God, I sound like a spoiled brat. Why can't I be thankful for what I already have? Because it is not in my control.

My friends, I am happy for you and your pregnancies and your new babies. In fact, nothing makes me happier than to see a new life added to a loving family. But I will always feel my own pain and loss.

May 1995

Do you know my mom? Let me give you a little background...
My mother was a very young mother. Too young. She had my sister very early in her first marriage and I followed two years later. It didn't take long for that marriage to end and then she was left with two small girls alone. How does a single mother do it? Seriously, I want to know.

My mother did it. She raised my sister and I to be confident and strong. She told us we were smart, pretty, gifted, talented, the best. We always came first, were number one. She would believe our story over anyone else's. She gave us little things to make us happy and feel appreciated.

I always felt loved by my mother.

Yesterday she sent me a package, completely out of the blue. That, in itself, is not surprising; she sends the kids things all the time. In the package was stickers for the Ms and a book, Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. I'm sure we have all read this book. I have read it a million times and probably cry every time. I saw the book and thought how sweet that my mother had bought this book for us. When I opened it I saw this note that I had wrote almost 14 years ago!

(May 1995)
Mum-
I hope raising Wendy and me wasn't too much trouble. I hope the three of us will always be together. Save this book for Chance and possibly my future kids.
I love you,
Niki

My mother wrote this note to me:
I read this note you wrote me and cried. How wonderful you are. Trouble? Never! I was such a terrible mom. I think that's why you turned out to be a Great Mom. I wish I could have been a mom like you. I love you.